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Category Archives: Cornish

I suddenly remembered an epic I used to hear regularly and taking a look back, it was worth sharing. Again, I hope I don’t mess up and leave out important details. Enjoy…

 

A certain Pedro Abanquil was going to the city to look for his fortune. Before going off, his mother warned him to be wary of scams and whatnots. He nodded and told his mum not to worry for he can handle himself.

When he arrived at the pier, he boarded the first ship to the city. When the ship arrived, he went to a street vendor to buy a smoke. Then when he was about to light it and found he forgot to buy matches. The vendor, being used to his line of work, offered his Zippo lighter.

“Ano yan, niloloko mo ba ako?” said an innocently infuriated Pedro. (What’s that for? Are you shitting me?)

The vendor just smiled like he understood he just came from the islands. Instead of replying, he opened the lighter with the flick of a wrist and out came fire.

Surprised, Pedro said “Ayos! Pati pala posporo, de lata na.” (Kewl! Canned Matches!) He lighted his cig and went on.

He arrived at the bus station and was struck with awe. He went near a bus and examined the door. He said “Aba’y ka gandang bahay nire.” (What a great looking house.)

He knocked on the door and said “Tao po!!” (Anybody home?) Surprise took him as the hydraulic door opened up. The driver bade him to hop aboard as they were about to leave. Mindful of his manners, he removed his slippers before entering. He noticed there were lots of people inside so he asked around. “Kanino po bang bahay ire?” (Who owns this house?) but nodoby replied as all were holding back their laughter and giggles.

As he sat down, he noticed something. “Aba’y ka galing, gumagalaw ang paligid.” (Kewl! Everything else outside is moving.) he said to himself. “Iba talaga dito sa kabihasnan.” (It’s really different here in the city.

Being dizzied by the movement of the bus, he fell asleep. Later on, the conductor tried to wake him up saying “Ser, nasa istasyon na ho tayo. Baba na ho.” (Wake up Sir, we’ve arrived at the station. You have to get off now.) He obliged.

As he went out, he noticed his slippers were missing. Infuriated, he yelled out “T@ng!n@, sino nagnakaw ng tsinelas ko?” (D@mm!t, who stole my slippers?) Seeing no suspects around and feeling that his slippers were really lost without any hope of redemption, he went to a nearby bench, sat down and fimbled into his bag to find his sneakers and a pair of socks.

Feeling down, he put on his socks and then his sneakers. He liked those slippers. Suddenly, he felt hungry so he went to a nearby mall to look for food. Again, he was struck by awe. “Aba’y ka gandang bahay nire. Ke inam. At andaming tao.” (What a beautiful house. Excellent! And look at all the people.”

He followed his nose which led him to the foodcourt. He was surprised at the feast that laid in front of his eyes. There were food all around. “Pista siguro ditto ngayon.” (It must be a Feast) he said to himself. Joyfully, he went to the nearest food stall. He was surprised to learn that the food was not free. Being hungry as he was, he was forced to for over some money in exchange for food.

He found an empty table and settled in so he can eat. “Grabe pala dito, kahit Piyesta, may bayad ang pagkain.” (I can’t believe it. They charge for food even at Feasts.)

He dug into the grub which he found delectable. Being new to these foods, he sampled all he could eat. Then when he was full, he went out of the mall.

He walked along the streets until it got dark and he can’t help but admire the city lights.

Suddenly, he felt his stomach hurting with spasms. Must’ve been all the food he ate. He looked for a place where he could “go”. Luckily, there was a nearby club which were attractive enough with all the ladies seated outside. Colorful lights glittering all around. He approached the guard on duty and asked where the bathroom was while holding his hurting stomach with one hand. Obviously, he had to go. He was pointed towards the bathroom. Hurriedly, he went in. Being not familiar to modern bathroom innovations, he thought the bowl was a well for clean water. He was used to doing it on the ground. Feeling he really had to go, he had no other choice. He can’t soil anywhere since the place was so clean.

He got a sudden brilliant idea. He removed his sock and placed it below his arse… Then he “went” making sure that all the $h!t was going into the sock. As expected, the $h!t was watery like the constipated stuff. Then came another problem. He didn’t have anywhere he can dump it into. Looking around, he noticed there was a small window above head level. He just knew he should throw it out of there before anybody notices. He tied up the sock to make sure everything gets out. He noticed it was starting to drip as the janitor was knocking on the door. They must’ve been nervous of what happened to a potential customer as he was taking too long than normal.

He had to make his move. He swung his sock around as if to gain momentum and as the janitor was able to open the door with his key, he let go of the sock. Luckily, the sock was launched perfectly out of the window.

Awe and disgust struck the Janitor as he saw the walls. Pedro didn’t notice that the drippings have spiralled onto the walls. Then the janitor noticed that the bowl was clean. A puzzled face looked onto Pedro.

Feeling awkward and apologetic, he tried to apologize to the Janitor and begged not to get angry. He was guilty and afraid that the guy might hit him.

“Wag ka mag alala, di kita sasaktan.” (Don’t worry, I won’t hit you.) Said the puzzled Janitor. “Pero sabihin mo muna sa akin kung paano mo ginawa yan.” (But first, you have to tell me how you did all that.) he continued while pointing at the walls.

 

(To be continued… maybe)

 

Note: Any names places and situations (and whatever) are purely coincidental. This is an old tale (or rather a collection of old tales) and I don’t even know who the authors were. Also, it’s more like a collaboration of Promdi Jokes. I just had to compile them onto one whole story since I noticed it could fit in. More tales to follow… hopefully. XD

A Filipino died and has faced judgement. He was sent to hell.

When he arrived, he noticed that there is one hell for every country. He asked around and he found out that you can choose to register to another country’s hell aside from your own but you’d have to handle the paperwork.

He decided he’d walk around for a while and see the different hells. He noticed that every type of hell is pretty much the same. Residents are boiled in oil for up to five hours, made to lie down on a bed of nails for a couple of hours then they get electrocuted five times. After all that, they get whipped by the local devil for the rest of the day.

He saw the American hell and noticed there aren’t many Filipinos. He’d figured that since there are too many Filipinos dying to become American Citizens, they’d jump at the chance to get a Green card even in hell.

He walked on until he saw a very long line of people. He asked what they were lined up for.

“Oh, we want to become Filipino Citizens here in hell.” Replied the American soul. Puzzled, he went nearer to the other end of the line and found out that it really was the Philippine Hell.

Curiosity kicked in so he asked the Fillipino guard on duty. “Bakit andaming nakapila?” (Why is the line too long?)

“Ganyan ho talaga ditto.” Replied the guard. “Lahat sila gusto pumasok sa impyerno natin.” (It’s like this normally. They all want to belong to our hell.)

“Eh, bakit naman?” Replied the puzzled soul. (Why?)

“Kasi, yung mga pako sa kama, may nagnakaw. Yung langis, ibinenta nung isang opisyales tapos pinalitan ng tubig kaso di pa nakakabili ng gas para sa kalan at nagkakatamaran pa kung sino bibile. Laging walang kuryente kaya di magamit yung electric chair tapos, yung demonyo dito, dating taong gobyerno nung nabubuhay pa kaya papasok lang sa umaga para mag time-in tapos uuwi na. Lulutang lang yun ulit sa hapon para mag time-out.”

(Someone stole the nails. Some officials sold the oil and replaced it with water. The stove to heat the water ran out of gas and they’re still arguing over who will buy a new tank. We regularly have power failures so the electric chair is worthless and the resident demon used to be a Government employee back when he was still alive. He just comes in to punch his card in the morning then goes home. He only goes back to punch his card out by the end of his shift.)

Many of you might have already heard of this on from somewhere but this was one of those that really hit my funny bone. Well, I think it’s worth sharing anyway. I just hope I still remember the details and that I could write it in a way that would preserve its “funny” factor.

 

One man in his late sixties went to his doctor and said “Doc, I want to be castrated.” The Doctor was a bit puzzled why the old man would even bother about it but being a professional that he is, he tried to explain how it would affect the patient’s daily life. He said “Are you sure you want to have this operation? It really isn’t necessary.”

“I’m 100% sure Doc. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time and I think it’s about time. I’m ready.” Answered the old man. “But this operation will change your daily life in ways you haven’t experienced before.” Explained the doctor.

“I’m sure of it.” Expressed the old man.

One week after, they went through with the operation. After a while, when the wound was almost healed, the old man went for a walk on the Hospital’s hallways. He saw another old man just about his age seemingly in the same state he was in. (They were both wearing loose shorts and were holding the front part so it wouldn’t touch the wound.

“So, you too huh?” asked the other old man.

“Yeah.” Replied the first.

“At first I was really hesitant about this operation.” Said the other old man. “But my family convinced me it’s about time I got circumcised.

Perplexed (and surprised), the first old man said “So, that’s the right term.”

In a Mental Institution, the Doctor does regular check-ups to see if the patients were cured. Here is the transcript of her interview with one of the patients:

Dra: Kung makakalabas ka dito, ano una mong gagawin? (If we were to let you out, what would be the first thing you’d do?)

Juan: Maghahanap ho ako ng asawa. (I’ma go find a wife.)

Dra: Tapos, ano gagawin mo? (Then what would you do?)

Juan: Dadalhin ko ho siya sa Baguio. Dun kami magpu pulot-gata. (I’ll take her up to Baguio. We’ll have our honeymoon.)

Dra: Tapos, ano pa? (Then what?)

Juan: Dadalhin ko siya sa hotel. (I’ll take her to a hotel.)

Dra: Tapos? (Then?)

Juan: Pagpasok sa kwarto, huhubaran ko siya. (When we get in the room, I’ll undress her.)

Dra: Naks! Tapos? (Nice! Then what?)

Juan: Tapos, tatanggalin ko mga damit niyang panloob. (Then I’ll remove her underwear.)

Dra: Wow! Tapos, ano gagawin mo? (Wow! Then what would you do?)

Juan: Kukunin ko yung mga garter. (I’ll take out the garters.)

Dra: Aanhin mo yung mga garter? (What would you do with the garters?)

Juan: Gagawa ako ng tirador. (I’ll make a slingshot.)

Dra: Aanhin mo naman yung tirador? (What would you do with the slingshot?)

Juan: Titiradurin ko yung Buwan!!! (I’ll shoot a rock at the moon!!!)

 

Hehehe. Peace!

Here’s something which is based on a surprisingly real story which happened long ago Somewhere in Ilocos. No offense meant to all the Ilocanos. If you’re offended, go get a sense of humor. 😀

 

 

Long ago within the Ilocos Norte Irrigation System. The Irrigation Service Fee (ISF) was due to be collected and the collector was going around asking farmers to pay up.

Without his knowing, a newlywed couple (farmers) were having a slight marital bout. Both were being too lazy to even set the table for lunch (maghain). The wife insisted that the husband set the table while the husband insisted otherwise. To settle the argument, they agreed on a bet. The first one to say a single word would set the table up.

Both agreed and were keeping silent as the ISF collector arrived.

“Tao po!” called out the collector. He repeated hoping someone would answer. Hearing no reply, he looked around for signs if the couple was there or not. He noticed the front door and the windows were open so he figured they’re home. He called out again but still, no one answered. A neighbour passed be and told him the couple was home and that he should go to the door so they’d hear him so he did just that.

He called out again hoping for a response. Everything was still silent. Suddenly, he heard something move. He got nervous. Someone might be having a heart attack or something so he went in to help.

To his surprise, he saw the newlywed couple sitting down in separate corners of the room. Not moving, not even flinching. Puzzled, he attempted to talk to them. Then just looked at him. He went to check on them and see if they’re ok. He checked for pulses and waved his hand in front of each just to check if they were unconscious.

Really puzzled, he stood up scratching his head. He took a long look at the farmer. Everything seemed to be alright but he wasn’t moving.

Then he took a nice long look at the wife. She was in the same state as the farmer… but she looked HOT.

He moved closer to the farmer’s wife. Took a closer look. Something was taking over him so he tried undressing her. She did not flinch. He took a look at the farmer but he was just looking. He did not flinch. He went on. He fully undressed her and was finding it too hard to hold back. (parts censored but I know you get it. Hehehe.)

He finished with the deed with the farmer still looking. Having realized what he has done, he got nervous. He took a look at the girl and her eyes were teary. He looked at the farmer and his eyes were furious. The collector hurriedly dressed up and left.

Right after the collector closed the door, The farmer wasn’t able to hold himself. Furious, he shouted at the wife. “Walanghiya ka! Taksil!”

Then the wife replied “Nyahahaha! Ikaw maghahain!”

I thought my posts have been rather depressing as of late so I thought I’d post something with a lighter tone. Something easier to digest. Something classic and has been effective through the times. Don’t worry, it has been proven effective . . at least to those who haven’t heard it yet. But it’s still effective to some who’s already heard of it.

 

Here goes.

 

Two drinking buddies in a Rural area was walking home after a long night’s booze fest. They were merrily walking each other home while singing their favourite tunes. Good thing no one was awake to listen since it was most probably the most deadliest videoke tune of all. (Too deadly, they had to scrape it off from every song book I could find nowadays. Plainly, they were both sh!t-faced drunk and they’re having a blast.

On the middle of the way, they saw a pile of brown molten stuff on the ground. “Look a pile of Chocolate!” Exclaimed one. “No, you dimwit. That’s a pile of turd.” Replied the other.

Wanting to prove himself, the one who claims it was chocolate dipped a finger onto it then took a taste and then announced that it was indeed chocolate and that he was right. Puzzled, the other drinking buddy did the same then told the other guy that is was sh!t.

Still wanting to prove himself, he took another taste and kept insisting it was chocolate. The other followed suit then insisted he was still right. That it was sh!t.

This went on until everything was gone and none was left.

To the surprise of the other, one finally said, “Dude, I’m afraid you were right. It is shit.”