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Monthly Archives: February 2011

I still can’t barely believe did another all nighter at work. Yeah, went to the office yesterday morning and worked until 1am. Just got back. I can’t even recognize if I am feeling tired.

I remember back in my prime that I used to enjoy such all nighters. It was fulfilling every time a deadline is beat against all odds and I end up being the Office Hero. I used to take pride in such accomplishments. But now, I feel nothing.

It was as if the only consolation I get is that I get to skip Monday and just report to office at Tuesday. Could’ve been good if only work hasn’t taken Saturday and Sunday. XD

I guess this is how it feels to be a former workaholic. The stuff that used to give me a natural high is now getting another reaction from my system. Though there is one thing I’m wondering about. Will I be able to stand in the morrow when I finally wake up maybe around noon at the least. (If I could still find sleep.) Nowadays, it seems I could just anticipate a rheumatic attack so I won’t get as pissed as usual when it does happen. XD

Though at least I got one less problem to think about. One report finished. 35 more to go. XD (Then they get to review it and I get to do the reports all over again. Oh, JOY!!!

But I hafta admit, when I was into the prime of my grind, it felt really weird. It was as if the person working ain’t me anymore. It’s as if it was a totally different person and I’m just at the back watching him work. Really odd. XD Maybe I do lack sleep.

SO, here’s to hoping that once I get to log onto Kitsuno RO, I could at least get a good card from the hunts I’ll be doing… and that afterwards, I could finally get my well deserved sleep. ^.^

Err, I better log on immediately. I’m getting another strong urge to go out and head to the nearest Bar or Club. XD

I was supposed to post this a few days back but I guess I’ve been either too busy or too tired from work… Or at times, too sick and enduring full body pains that I can’t even get myself to type. XD.

I was on the bus ride to work when I came upon a sudden re-realization. Too bad I can’t just pull out my Laptop and start typing so I did the next best thing. I noted down some of the stuff going on in my head using an old phone’s notepad.

Basically, I’m going back to basics. I got my old phone back. (Room Mate was too tired of maintaining two phones so she let go of the 5-year-old Nokia 6600 which was originally mine and then passed hands between us countless times… Then I had it after that incident last year… But She had to insist on spending some of our last money on a 3,000 peso dual sim China Phone which doesn’t follow it’s own manual. But now, I got both the cheap over-priced phone and this old times. XD) I feel better using this old phone than the new crappy overtly expensive one. I only needed to do some minor Keyboard clean-up, and download a new ring tone wherein a choir sings a song with the lyrics having no other word than “Condom”. Now It’s all set. I don’t need a fancy phone anyway. I had a taste of the fancy lifestyle once but I had a good income and no bills to handle back then.

Now, my income is good enough. Not as good as it was before, but good enough and now, I get to have monthly bills. XD I even stopped using the large electric fan dedicated to the dining table turned work table and instead, turned to using a USB Fan just for the heck of saving energy. XD It would work like shiz by noon time being too hot that even the 5 inch fan can’t even make a difference but when it’s night time, it’s could get so cold that sometimes, I ever turn the USB Mini Fan off.

And since I had my old phone back, I remembered the time I acquired this phone. Back then I had this attitude. And I incidentally (Err, more like accidentally.) had the same hair style now that I had back then.

Back then, I was full of life since I haven’t yet been utterly abused by the companies I have worked for in the past five years. Yes, I was just starting out when I got this 6600. And I still do remember how I sacrificed my own well being for the sake of the companies I so dearly loved but didn’t love me back.

So now, I’m bent on doing some modifications. I am now stuck at an attempt to get a new perspective based on old principles. This time, I hafta remove those that fail to inspire me. (But no, I can’t remove my wife. Sadly. XD) 5 Years ago, I was full of dreams. Dreams for me and my wife. I guess that’s what pushed me into being a workaholic.

I can, therefore, I do. At the point that the wife was not really inspiring me anymore, I had a reason to keep pushing. And that was because I am the only one I know who can push that hard. I used to do it for those who can’t.

Four years after I started, I may have reached my peak. I was the best encoder there ever was. I have been a trainer for new and incoming encoders. The salary and rank didn’t really raise that well but among the ranks, I was. More like Raising the level of work but not the title and the Pay. They bribed me with regular employment so I just hafta take it. Who wouldn’t.

But that promise wasn’t kept as I have been laid off unjustly. I think I’ve discussed this on a previous post so I’ll cut it right here and proceed with the topic at hand.

Back then, I had reasons to do what I did. I had a reason to push… And I noticed the reasons always involved other people. Because they’re depending on me… Because my wife needs to have enough funds for her medication… Because the project needs to be finished.

Right now, I have lost all those reasons. My physical body is at a point of crumbling down. I’m already burned out. I could work for two days at less than half the pace I used to work with and then I’ll be sick for a week. The wife doesn’t want me to work anymore… which is kinda stupid since we need money now more than ever. So, that’s not really inspiring. Thinking of bills ain’t as inspiring either.

So, I’ve come to a realization that first and foremost I gotta turn around and do things for myself for a change. No more “For the sake of those who can’t Bullcrap”. Plainly “I can’t” anymore so I think this is a good time to be a bit selfish. The corporate leeches has leeched more than enough blood from mine veins for me to give a damn nor to care.

Another point is that I’ve been purposely holding myself back from going out plainly because I no longer have enough earning capacity for that. I plan to get around that by finding more ways to enjoy but I gotta make sure it stays within budget. Somehow, RO and Camfrog ain’t cutting it good enough. I need to get out and have a drink where the ambiance is relaxing.

But running the numbers in my head, this part has to wait. I guess I’m gonna be stuck with RO and Camfrog for a while. Well, maybe I could add Youtube into the list. XD

But another problem arising within me as of late is the fact that I’m getting more urges than I ever was. Holding myself back is taking a toll im my constitution. I usually find myself with strong desires at night. (Too bad the RoomMate is Frigid. And BTW, Wifey=RoomMate. I just got myself to referring to her as such since the role she is playing right now is more on that of a RoomMate. She cooks, she washes the clothes, the does all the cleaning up but She won’t ever take care of me when I’m sick and when I need a woman the way every man needs one, I got a guaranteed fail chance so I might as well just stick to flirting online. Yeah, flirting IRL would cost real money so I can’t at the moment. XD) So I gotta find another way to unleash those pent-up desires before it gets to a harmful level. (Yes, gentlemen, Blue balls hurt worse than hell and can turn the most modest man into a beast filled with lust. And yes, the weird thing about abstinence is that even the girls who look bad could look hot while you’re in a frenzy. XD and that’s a major OUCH!)

Then I’ll hafta work on getting back the edge I lost. I’ve been trying some mental exercises to get back part of it but I still ain’t content. I used to work way better than this.

Also, it would have helped if I had something to aim for again so I thought of aiming to own a car again… But sadly, even as I was just suggesting it to Roomie, she just brushed it aside saying “We don’t need that.” (Anyone offering free annulments? XD Nah, just kidding.)

So… maybe I’ll just focus on getting my wrist and finger dexterity back. I’m really gonna need that for RO. It’s about time I focus on getting stronger at that game. XD I’ve been too long in it to still insist that I’m a noob. (Which I clearly still am at any angle.) Besides, I could really use the lost dexterity for faster typing speeds.

And right now, I gotta focus first on the task at hand. See y’all later. I gotta finish this report before day’s end. XD

I find it truly amazing how one with insomnia can be at one point sleepy then become fully awake and sleepless the moment one lays down to sleep.

Ayt, here’s something to piss some people off. Hehehe.

I’m browsing the net and I saw this ad:

(I would like to state and clarify that this is a sham. I’m only posting the ad and the link in the ad just so I won’t look like making things up. XD I suggest that if you are easily swayed, you keep your mouse pointer away from the pic but if you get what I mean, then I think it’s ok to click on it.)

Now… The first thing I noticed that the site which opened up was newsdaily7 dot com. Then I noticed that the post has been last updated today, February 21, 2011. Afterwards, reading along, I noticed that all Comments were done Yesterday, February 20, 2011 from 6:53 AM to 9:43 PM but making sure there is a random amount of time in between posts but making sure there is a post within every hour between 6:00 AM and 10:00 PM.

Yep, they could be considered good by some but not by me. Could it be a little less obvious? (RAGE MODE!!!) And why do they have to say that Google is behind this? Credibility? Please… Google has been helping countless people by the second around the world for free and you guys try to “use” that credibility and you think you’re smart?

Oh, please do promise me that the next time you try to do something like this, you make a better way of fooling people into doing stuff for you. (Like giving you their money or at least some credit card details.

On another note, why does the Ad Companies approve such ads? Is it just because they pay good? Or is it because they get to play a part in shitting on Google’s face without being fully liable since it was a customer who posted the ad?

 

Anyway, the best lesson when it comes to earning money online: “If it’s too good to be true, it ain’t.

Err, too curious to try this one out. Just fresh outta my inbox.

(Edit: the first code that Yahoo gave me was a failure so I’ll just place a URL here.)

(Will update this after testing.)

Been testing it a bit. So far the major noticeable change is the Layout. It looks good. Other than that, I’m still to see if there’s any real difference with the previous version.

So, if you want change and is always up for updates, this one is for you. But if you.re the type who still prefers what you’re used to and is not really that accustomed to change, maybe you should think twice before clicking on the “I Agree” button.

Isn’t it Beautiful how a song could be understood through the bounds of language.

 

I closed my eyes and listened to this song… Now I feel ready. I am no longer afraid to be just another memory once again.

I may fade but still, I know for as long as you remember, I would still be a dream worth remembering.

 

…So I’ll make the most of what I can.

 

(Or use the either the “Distance” Routine or the “I’m currently busy with something” routine or the “Jealousy” routine. But I do not want to use the “Doormat” Routine. I’m not that kinda poor loser. XD)

Could it be just a phase wherein I find it so hard to find inspiration to actually do anything valid? Like I can be inspired bow but only good for like five minutes? And what of the other things I do?

Or could it just be an awkward adjustment phase wherein I find it hard that I can’t do the things I do before and If I can still do them, it’s not as fast. Taking like, maybe 10 times (more like 20) longer than they did before?

Or do I just lack the focus to do stuff? Have I really lost my goal? Am I a floating piece of Driftwood lost at sea hoping some Orchid enthusiast would pick me up and put me to better use as an orchid stand? To be useful only by staying still and laying dormant?

Did I just lose sight of the horizon I used to see? Was all the laid out plans gone to waste really getting to me now? Or was it all the wasted efforts slaving for a company only to be laid off and having to endure the insults of having been accused of crimes which never happened? Which if I did happen to commit, I would have committed in a way more classier and in a definitely grander effectivity.

Or is it just the flames continuously lost inspiring me for a week, maybe a day (or less) only to get me expired the next? Maybe I should just stop womanizing online and reserve leave my womanizing efforts for the real world. Oh, I remember now… I can’t be as effective I am online as I am in the Real World… since I don’t look as good. And online, I’m only as sexy as my wits. XD

So, what am I really supposed to do? I remember back then, I had a simple solution. I go to a strip club and get an Ice Cold bottle of Pilsen and enjoy the show. Maybe even get a Lap Dance if I can afford it. But, nah, I can’t afford any of those now. I’m broke.

But I did get a hint of luck. The girl on the previous post gave me her number. The sad part is, I can’t call her. She lives in the US. XD How am I supposed to afford a regular communications budget for Overseas Calls? If I’m leaning towards that, I’ll just get back to regularly visiting strip clubs. That’s way more affordable than that and more practical too. That was I still could talk to them face to face and I would be able to actually touch them. Not just hold on to a voice on the telephone.

The heck, I got an internet line because I wanted to save on my Communications expenses. Not to roughly add up to the bills.

Kudos to me! The only person in the world I know who quit being a Genius at age 16 and now, the only one I know who also quit being a workaholic to be a bum.

Found this on Youtube and remembered what Boss Neckro said.

12:54 AM, February 5, 2011

Sitting on my usual chair on my usual Dining table-turned-Work Table… Still can’t believe this whirlwind that just passed…

12:56 AM – I suddenly had an itch to play “A Hole in my Soul” by Aerosmith. And damn right, it hurts. Decided to get a copy of the lyrics online than having to type the lyrics myself while listening and pausing the song. Easier that way and I seem to be way too lazier right now to do anything that requires effort.

1:00 AM – With Gin Bottle in hand and shot glass on another, I pour myself a drink…. Smelling the almost sour Gin, I smirked and thought I should consume this here and now before it spoils. Yep, after drinking a shot, I think I really should before it’s wasted.

Searches http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/ for Lyrics and if possible, tabs. Womp. Song’s finished… playing it again. Uttering the words “Oh, fuck” again even on the second time around, I am wondering why I had to react the same way to the same line twice. And the line was saying “Is it over?” right after the narrated intro.

Felt like moving my Sniper back to Gonryun since this feels like Gonryun all over again but only worse. Really, I feel like staying in PvP and either mess up the next poor fusker who goes in or maybe I could keep getting killed and go back for more. . . Nah, maybe later when I’m less emotional. I don’t wanna be handing newbs too much of my PvP Panties.

Song just finished so I switched to “Crazy” still by Aerosmith. Found a file… Seems good enough. Copying then pasting here.

 

 

Title – Hole in my Soul

Artist – Aerosmith

Song – Hole In My Soul

 

 

I’m down a one way street

With a one night stand

With a one track mind

Out in no man’s land

(The punishment sometimes don’t seem to fit the crime)

Yeah there’s a hole in my soul

But one thing I’ve learned

For every love letter written

There’s another one burned

(So you tell me how it’s gonna be this time)

 

 

Is it over

Is it over

‘Cause I’m blowin’ out the flame

Take a walk outside your mind

Tell me how it feels to be

The one who turns the knife inside of me

Take a look and you will find there’s nothing there girl

Yeah I swear, I’m telling you girl yeah ’cause

 

There’s a hole in my soul that’s been killing me forever

It’s a place where a garden never grows

There’s a hole in my soul, yeah I should have known better

‘Cause your love’s like a thorn without a rose

Yeah Yeeeeaaaahhhh

 

(Same Riff as Verse 1)

I’m as dry as a seven year drought

I got dust for tears

And I’m all tapped out

(Sometimes I feel broke and can’t get fixed)

I know there’s been all kinds of shoes underneath your bed

Now I sleep with my boots on but you’re still in my head

(And something tells me this time I’m down to my last licks)

 

Is it over

Is it over

Take a walk outside your mind

Tell me how it feels to be

The one who turns the knife inside of me

Take a look and you will find there’s nothing there girl

Yeah I swear, I’m telling you girl yeah ’cause

 

There’s a hole in my soul that’s been killing me forever

It’s a place where a garden never grows

There’s a hole in my soul, yeah I should have known better

‘Cause your love’s like a thorn without a rose

Yeah Yeeeeaaaahhhh

 

 

SOLO (Same riff as verses)

 

 

Is it over

Is it over

‘Cause I’m blowin’ out the flame

Take a walk outside your mind    

Tell me how it feels to be

The one who turns the knife inside of me

Take a look and you will find there’s nothing there girl

Yeah I swear, I’m telling you girl yeah ’cause

 

There’s a hole in my soul that’s been killing me forever

It’s a place where a garden never grows

There’s a hole in my soul, yeah I should have known better

‘Cause your love’s like a thorn without a rose

Yeah Yeeeeaaaahhhh

 

OUTRO (Like intro)

 

Or maybe I should just paste the URL. Can anybody tell me how to use spoilers? I mean, those bars you click to show a hidden part of the text? Is it possible here on WordPress?

1:20 AM – Just listened to the song again but this time, I’ve been reading a few lines wherein I can’t make out the words because of the accent maybe. Switching the playlist to “Jaded” still by Aerosmith. At least it doesn’t hurt as much. But I gotta admit. My respect for Aerosmith just went up by one level. I just realized that their songs have actually happened to them and that’s why they rocked and no other band could play their shyt as well as they do. The one who wrote Hole in my soul must’ve, at one point had the same experience I just did… (But I assume they had better since theirs was probably an actual one night stand and mine is just a cyber thing.)

1:25 AM – Am now having a dilemma whether to post what actually happened or not… Maybe I’ll make this a consensus thing. If one reader asks for it to be posted, I’ll post… (Yes K, I’m waiting on you to dare me to post it. XD) But then the moment would have been gone by then and I may fail to describe is as well as I could describe it right now…

So maybe I’ll just post it and assume you wanna read about it. Hell, you’re still reading right now aintcha? So that means you’re interested. Otherwise you would’ve skipped everything.

 

Prologue (Just so you’d understand what Gonryun meant)

I was just a fresh new player on Kitsune RO and I chose to make a Sniper as a main char. I’ve already set up a Whitesmith (WS) to be my Money char. I could buy stuff with less money and sell stuff for more using the WS and I could just fight using the Sniper.

It was an unpopulated server which definitely needed populating. So, any new player was greeted warmly. I was fortunate enough to have been invited into one of the strongest guilds there were. Forever United (FU). And there was this other new payer who has introduced herself on the forums even while she hasn’t installed the game client yet. Naturally, I got a bit friendly from there on… but she had a bit of trouble installing so I had enough time to train ahead. When she got online, I was the first to greet her. Then I helped her train and max out as I was also trying to max my sniper out. Another Female player, a friend, was helping us.

Chatted a bit while training… Then even before we’re maxed out, I made a sudden move and then she said yes. I felt like a billion bucks right there and then and I swore an oath to myself never to leave the server.

Later on, I found a good cozy private spot in Gonryun Town… A floating island up high in the clouds… We could talk all we want while away from everybody else. She practically taught me the basics of Cybering. She was so hot with her words alone. I was all about it even though I had no idea how she looked like. She was located somewhere in Europe so you could just imagine the time zone difference. It was a good thing I had insomnia.

Gonryun became our Cyber Love nest for what seems to be the longest time… But in reality, It was approximately a whole week. Yeah, things are fast in RO. One can go from zero to hero within one week (or less, once guided towards the correct path) especially since this was a high rate server.

After that week of Bliss, I started falling off of my Work Load. Talking to her was taking up most of my time. So I had to tell her I gotta focus on work a bit maybe for a week… And that I’ll still be at our little patch of heaven whenever I get the chance. She naturally said it was ok. That I should focus first on my Real life woes and that she understood.

After that, I was able to re-focus on work a bit. Been able to do more for a day… But making sure I left my Sniper parked on our little spot. I’ll peep into RO after every piece of work I do just to be sure I won’t miss her when she comes.

Days passed and she’s still a no show…. I lost interest in work slowly… Gradually. I may have lost a good thing just because I had to focus on work. (Dermit, I sometimes hate reliving bad memories.) After about a month, (Mmm, yeah,even stopped blogging waiting up for her. She meant that much.) I gave up waiting and resumed my online RO life. Started going to more Wars of Emperium (WoE), farmed more stuff, made new friends… Fought new foes… Died too many times acting as cannon fodder since I was too weak to kill anyone anyway. XD

Life went on…

 

I was already typing the main part half way but then I suddenly remembered that we all agreed that anything and everything that went on in the Truth or dare game was to stay in it and that I can’t just blog about it. Wouldn’t feel right…

So I guess I’ll just summarize it as good as I can and skip the details where the T or D may be involved.

 

Basically, I broke a certain rule about Bros not hitting on Bros’ targets and I think I was the one who added that onto the Rule Book. (I’ll check later for verification. Too tired at the moment.) She was supposed to be an in-game friend’s target and I was just supposed to be Wing man… But disaster struck as I was too drawn into her that I seemed to gradually come to a point where I don’t care about rules anymore. I’m in love with this girl and I know the Bro would understand. . . Though I was still planning to tell him about it and clear things out. Ask for his blessing for me to go on with it and such. So I wasn’t even thinking of dissing the Rule Book.

Then I had the best Time of my life. Too good that I can almost feel her in my hands. I could almost feel her sweet gentle lips pressing against mine… I could almost feel the scent of her hair… I could almost feel her soft gentle embrace. If only it was real… (Yeah, if you’re reading this, I wish. Haha.)

Oh just to feel just that again, I unno what I’ll give up. . . The feeling of being desired… Wanted… As a man is to a Woman.

But I seemed to have drawn an early conclusion. How stupid of me… And way more stupid of me by staying online after she said goodnight and she logged out. I stayed on relishing what just happened feeling like a billion bucks. Forgetting for a moment how the fates hath a habit of screwing things up for me… Or how they tend to just give me a taste of the good stuff then take it away from me.

 

2:18 AM – Sleep creeping onto me while I poured the last shot. I needed a change of BGM so I decided on playing “Red Lips” by Chicosci. Yeah, seems the message in the song is a harsher version of the kind and gentle words she used on me when she logged back. She said she couldn’t sleep.

But I gotta hold the last parts and just skip to the summaries and bottomlines. Kitsune players may be reading this right now and if there’s someone to be humiliated, let it be just me. I don’t want the server to lose more players as one flame was the first to leave… I would like the other to stay.

There was never an “us” anyway… but there could’ve been. I was feeling it. I had a good chance. But then in the end, it’s a bit complicated…. I may not be able to divulge the details as some parts are too personal on her part for me to share…

I’ll just say I suddenly lost all my chances. Of course, she still opened a window of opportunity but I believe she was just being nice to me since I was nice to her… And she just doesn’t wanna lose a friend… And I sure as hell would love to keep her as a friend. It may hurt as heck every moment I sneak a glance at her which would remind me of that fateful night, which would remind me of a chance which as I told her would “haunt me until I get the chance to make it real.” To which she replied “Maybe”, but I wanna keep her still… Even as a friend. (If you’re reading this, those memories are already hardwired to my Brain and I will never ever forget. Thank you so much for that unbelievably beautiful memory you just shared with me. Dammit, I do love you.)

Right now, after finishing the Quatro Cantos and after having gone through much, I feel I am finally getting the sleep I deserve which I should’ve gone for like five hours ago and she may have had the chance to change her mind by a slim chance.

But the fates have spoken and it is final. I now sleep with a fateful memory clenched tightly in my arms…

 

Here’s to hoping I don’t eventually end up as another memory again.

 

 

In case you’re interested, here are a few links. Yes, I am advertising. Lol. Deal with it. XD

Kitsune Ragnarok Online

Kitsune Ragnarok Online Forums