I was supposed to post this a few days back but I guess I’ve been either too busy or too tired from work… Or at times, too sick and enduring full body pains that I can’t even get myself to type. XD.
I was on the bus ride to work when I came upon a sudden re-realization. Too bad I can’t just pull out my Laptop and start typing so I did the next best thing. I noted down some of the stuff going on in my head using an old phone’s notepad.
Basically, I’m going back to basics. I got my old phone back. (Room Mate was too tired of maintaining two phones so she let go of the 5-year-old Nokia 6600 which was originally mine and then passed hands between us countless times… Then I had it after that incident last year… But She had to insist on spending some of our last money on a 3,000 peso dual sim China Phone which doesn’t follow it’s own manual. But now, I got both the cheap over-priced phone and this old times. XD) I feel better using this old phone than the new crappy overtly expensive one. I only needed to do some minor Keyboard clean-up, and download a new ring tone wherein a choir sings a song with the lyrics having no other word than “Condom”. Now It’s all set. I don’t need a fancy phone anyway. I had a taste of the fancy lifestyle once but I had a good income and no bills to handle back then.
Now, my income is good enough. Not as good as it was before, but good enough and now, I get to have monthly bills. 😄 I even stopped using the large electric fan dedicated to the dining table turned work table and instead, turned to using a USB Fan just for the heck of saving energy. 😄 It would work like shiz by noon time being too hot that even the 5 inch fan can’t even make a difference but when it’s night time, it’s could get so cold that sometimes, I ever turn the USB Mini Fan off.
And since I had my old phone back, I remembered the time I acquired this phone. Back then I had this attitude. And I incidentally (Err, more like accidentally.) had the same hair style now that I had back then.
Back then, I was full of life since I haven’t yet been utterly abused by the companies I have worked for in the past five years. Yes, I was just starting out when I got this 6600. And I still do remember how I sacrificed my own well being for the sake of the companies I so dearly loved but didn’t love me back.
So now, I’m bent on doing some modifications. I am now stuck at an attempt to get a new perspective based on old principles. This time, I hafta remove those that fail to inspire me. (But no, I can’t remove my wife. Sadly. XD) 5 Years ago, I was full of dreams. Dreams for me and my wife. I guess that’s what pushed me into being a workaholic.
I can, therefore, I do. At the point that the wife was not really inspiring me anymore, I had a reason to keep pushing. And that was because I am the only one I know who can push that hard. I used to do it for those who can’t.
Four years after I started, I may have reached my peak. I was the best encoder there ever was. I have been a trainer for new and incoming encoders. The salary and rank didn’t really raise that well but among the ranks, I was. More like Raising the level of work but not the title and the Pay. They bribed me with regular employment so I just hafta take it. Who wouldn’t.
But that promise wasn’t kept as I have been laid off unjustly. I think I’ve discussed this on a previous post so I’ll cut it right here and proceed with the topic at hand.
Back then, I had reasons to do what I did. I had a reason to push… And I noticed the reasons always involved other people. Because they’re depending on me… Because my wife needs to have enough funds for her medication… Because the project needs to be finished.
Right now, I have lost all those reasons. My physical body is at a point of crumbling down. I’m already burned out. I could work for two days at less than half the pace I used to work with and then I’ll be sick for a week. The wife doesn’t want me to work anymore… which is kinda stupid since we need money now more than ever. So, that’s not really inspiring. Thinking of bills ain’t as inspiring either.
So, I’ve come to a realization that first and foremost I gotta turn around and do things for myself for a change. No more “For the sake of those who can’t Bullcrap”. Plainly “I can’t” anymore so I think this is a good time to be a bit selfish. The corporate leeches has leeched more than enough blood from mine veins for me to give a damn nor to care.
Another point is that I’ve been purposely holding myself back from going out plainly because I no longer have enough earning capacity for that. I plan to get around that by finding more ways to enjoy but I gotta make sure it stays within budget. Somehow, RO and Camfrog ain’t cutting it good enough. I need to get out and have a drink where the ambiance is relaxing.
But running the numbers in my head, this part has to wait. I guess I’m gonna be stuck with RO and Camfrog for a while. Well, maybe I could add Youtube into the list. 😄
But another problem arising within me as of late is the fact that I’m getting more urges than I ever was. Holding myself back is taking a toll im my constitution. I usually find myself with strong desires at night. (Too bad the RoomMate is Frigid. And BTW, Wifey=RoomMate. I just got myself to referring to her as such since the role she is playing right now is more on that of a RoomMate. She cooks, she washes the clothes, the does all the cleaning up but She won’t ever take care of me when I’m sick and when I need a woman the way every man needs one, I got a guaranteed fail chance so I might as well just stick to flirting online. Yeah, flirting IRL would cost real money so I can’t at the moment. XD) So I gotta find another way to unleash those pent-up desires before it gets to a harmful level. (Yes, gentlemen, Blue balls hurt worse than hell and can turn the most modest man into a beast filled with lust. And yes, the weird thing about abstinence is that even the girls who look bad could look hot while you’re in a frenzy. 😄 and that’s a major OUCH!)
Then I’ll hafta work on getting back the edge I lost. I’ve been trying some mental exercises to get back part of it but I still ain’t content. I used to work way better than this.
Also, it would have helped if I had something to aim for again so I thought of aiming to own a car again… But sadly, even as I was just suggesting it to Roomie, she just brushed it aside saying “We don’t need that.” (Anyone offering free annulments? 😄 Nah, just kidding.)
So… maybe I’ll just focus on getting my wrist and finger dexterity back. I’m really gonna need that for RO. It’s about time I focus on getting stronger at that game. 😄 I’ve been too long in it to still insist that I’m a noob. (Which I clearly still am at any angle.) Besides, I could really use the lost dexterity for faster typing speeds.
And right now, I gotta focus first on the task at hand. See y’all later. I gotta finish this report before day’s end. 😄